As you are busy putting New Year resolutions into action, dear readers do undertake “Operation Prayer”. Here’s a list I prepared, feel free to make your own additions and subtractions, or even add masala to taste!
- Hope and pray Anna Hazare doesn’t end up becoming a ‘size zero’ man, thanks to our government. The rate at which he has to go on a fast every now and then, it’s a pretty scary possibility indeed.
- As actors or dancers or singers, artistes are often taught to record their own performances and review them — something on the lines of practice/review videos. Then there are some who make a movie out of a bad practice session/review video (RaOne, anyone?). Now hope and pray hard that SRK doesn’t make another and title it ‘Duryodhan‘ to inflict more oppression on us hapless souls. Another short prayer: he doesn’t play a Southie again (now that needs a complete article in itself). Playing a Bengali was off the list already.
- Now if you are Bengali and have an elder sister, sorry Didi, who can’t stand the colour red, pray hard that those who wear red don’t get blamed for the Thane cyclone that hit Tamil Nadu, or whatever other issues one can think of.
- Let’s pray that sportsmen-turned authors or cricketers-turned-coaches steer clear of silly point and stop claiming how Sachin Tendulkar was shivering on the field while facing them, or how Inzamam-ul-Haq, and not Sachin, is closer to Sir Don Bradman in terms of batting style only to sell their books. Further hoping and praying that the Little Champion reaches many more milestones this year
- If you’re a cricket fan, pray India win every possible match and praise them to the sky; if they don’t, then blame the IPL and the players’ combined lack of conscience and national pride. If you happen to own an IPL franchise, then pray hard that the IPL doesn’t get blamed for bad performance by players in non-IPL games. If you’re a cricketer, pray that you are allowed to blame injury, bad umpiring, bad form or just a bad day for all your on-field woes.
- Pray we get an Olympic gold at London 2012. Pray still harder that we don’t host the Olympics – the CWG experience was bad enough. Anyway, given the rate at which Tihar Jail is filling up, what we need is not more Olympic-size stadiums but upgrade of recreational facilities at Tihar for the benefit of all those VIP inmates.
- Pray that inflation levels go down. Otherwise, whether you support Anna or not, you will automatically become Anna and will have to go on an indefinite fast.
- Pray that, minimum daily wages of Rs 10, instead of the ridiculous amount of Rs 32, becomes the benchmark for deciding who comes under the poverty line. That way more people end up becoming richer, and we reduce poverty still more. On second thoughts, why not make it Re 1? But then you will have to pray harder to avoid getting statistics from our dear budding statistician Rahul Gandhi as to how only 99% poverty can be erased and why 1% cannot. You will have to pray still harder that you don’t hear from certain fans of his after the statistics are provided!
- Pray that Kasab’s sentence is carried out at least this year, else we will have to continue footing his bills. As for our dear, ever-loving neighbours, pray that they don’t put up ads claiming how they are helping India fight for world peace in Indian newspapers on Kargil Vijay Diwas, or 26/11. Also, let us pray that Bobby, the “Indian” monkey who was caught and “arrested” in our dear neighbour’s territory, is released and cleared of spying charges.
- Talking of neighbours, pray that the WMD (weapon of mass destruction) Veena Malik (FHM’s choice of words, not mine) finds work in Hollywood. Yes, let them suffer for a change; oh Jejus! Why should we always suffer? What say, Rakhi Sawant?
- Pray that Steven Spielberg doesn’t get strange ideas to make The Adventures of Osama based on the slain terrorist’s life. Tintin was concocted enough and did hardly any justice to the books. Osama’s story has so much more masala that you can imagine how concocted it could be.
- Pray that Chetan Bhagat doesn’t take offence to any new statement by some personality (eminent or otherwise), about his kindergarten or playschool, and start a verbal rampage and then later release a book in a couple of months. That would mean articles by various writers damning the entire exercise, or praising it, and more verbal arguments on online forums. Pray hard that we stay clear of all those words for word’s sake this year
- Pray that strangers don’t point guns at your head merely because you told them to pay a fine or a toll, or still worse got your parantha first. If you are unlucky enough to be someone in power, pray they don’t slap you.
- Pray you wouldn’t need state (read Uncle Sibal) permission and screening to write emails or share your thoughts on social networking sites with your parents and friends. Pray harder that these family members (definitely not your wife or husband) and friends don’t share their first names with anyone in authority and power.
- Let us pray some of those ultra-spirited media chaps get a channel — of, by and solely for themselves — so that they can talk nonstop and aren’t forced by a modicum of modesty to invite guests and then not give a chance to air their opinion.
- Now if all your killer rage, or Kolaveri (by the way, it’s pronounced “kolai/kole” veri and not “cola” veri as many are singing it) is doused, just reading all the “soup issues” you will have to pray for, chill, take a break, and just pray that “everyone” has a better 2012.
Here’s wishing you a very Happy New Year, dear reader.